Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Adios Amigos

Well then, this has taken an unexpected turn for the worse. To say the least. It’s been 12 hours since I last heard his voice. I didn’t even question him. That sweet little web of trust had me surrounded. Looking back I guess that was a pretty good feeling not worrying if I was getting half truths and lies. Well that illusion has been shattered. Tired of the cryptic way I am leading into the impending dome? Yeah me too, me fucking too. Pretty much, he can go fuck himself. I trusted him. I bared my soul, I gave him everything. It has been abused for the last time. I refuse to throw some sort of fit. Falling into a screaming ball of rage is not the option today. I have made my own resolution. I know it is one that I have been down before and only caused heart ache and strife but being the stupid motherfucker I am, I am going to fucking do it anyways. Why? To cause him pain? To live yet again in the unattainable? It seems that is where I fit in the best even though the pain is excruciating. I don’t fucking understand it. None of it. So once again, it is going to be all about me. ME ME ME ME ME. Yes, I am reverting but one must do that to an extent when they live to focus on themselves. I will clarify I am putting myself before Him and only him. My family, friends, and coworkers will still receive the respect they are do.

Since this is no longer about us but all about me I won't be coming here anymore. You all have been great, thanks for everything. ~Miha

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Verge of Dirty

You know Daddy wants to fuck you. Words. Some find these words disturbing and repulsive. I think they are lovely, beautiful words. Daddy finally said these words to me last night. I get goose bumps from thinking about it. Last night Daddy’s words had more powerful over me then his hands, mouth, or cock. If he would have never touched me last night only whispering into my ear that would have been enough to bring me to orgasm. I have reservations for the first time about all this though. A few nights ago I was in a lot of emotional pain. Will I have to go through that every time Daddy and I go to a new level? Last night things were definitely at a new level. I loved the way Daddy made me lick on my own breast. It felt so good to have no reservations when he said how he would love to get a taste of my flowing juices, I just climbed onto his face letting him lick them up. He didn’t have to coerce me into it, I gave freely and it was a wonderful feeling. I am having a hard time recalling all the wonderful things that happened last night. I was so overwhelmed by all the incredible feelings. I am sleeping I must go to bed, early morning and a long day tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Head

Sometimes it seems things must overflow before resolution can take place. This was one of those times. Things are back to normal and there are some really nice marks on my ass to prove it. I love make up sex. Especially when it involves oral sex, spankings, and me being on top. I believe with my reassurance not to turn into my psychopathic sister and understanding my motivation Daddy no longer has any qualms of me blogging. Sweet. New rule for me: I must be explicit in my needs and desires. I am not to be shy or hesitant in my request, Daddy wants to know it all. If I feel I have to write it down that is fine but he wants and needs to know. I’ll tell ya now, I am still going to be shy sometimes. But Daddy was very encouraging and that is exciting.
While performing my oh so illustrious dick sucking last night Daddy did something I found HOT HOT HOT. While his dick was still dry I rubbed it against my face feeling the smoothness of his skin, I love the way that feels. Somewhat teasing him, once I took him into my mouth, kissing and licking on him I glanced up to see him watching me and he says, ‘That feels so good mama.’ I gushed and devoured him. He has called me this a few times recently. Could there be something he is not telling me? I often beg, asking him what his desires are and I always get the same response, he just wants to please me. No matter, things are back to normal and we are happy. I still haven’t caught up on my rest so I am ready for an early bedtime. Night everyone.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Oh Daddy

Drama with a capitol D. All this emotional turmoil had finally come to a head. Today I am puffy eyed and sleepy after a long tumultuous night with Daddy. Huge misunderstandings and raw feelings came pouring out from the both of us. Everything from A to Z. I am not even sure if anything was really resolved and that is what is so frustrating. I have so many thoughts spinning around in my head. I don’t know if I will be doing anymore posting after this. I guess that is something Daddy and I will discuss rationally (hopefully) after he gets home tonight. I cut and paste from a word document when I post something. If it is something that I want to share with Daddy that I think would help open our communication I save the document in a file. I have never say, “hey there is something I want you to read.’ I just figured if he found it and wanted to discuss it, it would be a door opener. Obviously sometimes I have a hard time articulating myself. I don’t understand the feelings I have or why I have them. That is one of the main reasons I blog. It is a lot less stressful to me to first figure a few things out before I approach Daddy with something that makes me ’shy.’ Well, anyways the last post I saved on the computer along with some other ones that were particularly meaningful to me and Daddy found it last night. I know he has found other ones before because he would kinda bring them up and we would touch on the subject a bit and all would be well. Not so much this time.
A little back ground information. My sister has issues with the internet. There have been a few occasions where it seems she lives her life through the computer. Spending her days IMing away and building relationships online to what I would consider to an unhealthy degree. Currently she and her husband are separated because of this. She does not focus on making her marriage work but instead runs away to the relationships she has made on line. This is typical behavior for my sister, NOT for me. I do not have any instant messaging services to speak of. I do not maintain any kind of electronic communication with anyone I do not know in real life. But last night Daddy did not seem to happy with the idea of blogging. I feel like saying he wasn’t happy about anything. So I know tonight when he gets home this is something we will have to discuss. I blog for me. It is cathartic and helps me to better understand myself. I don’t know why I feel the need to post it for the world to see and that is where Daddy’s issue is. I don’t have a good explanation. I hope he can be understanding and recognize it does not jeopardize our relationship in any way. I think it has only enhanced it.

I am devoted to my husband so if it his wish for me not to share these things with anyone but him, I will respect that. Hey at least I know there is some really good make up sex in the works, eh?

Saturday, March 12, 2005

I bit the bullet. I went to haloscan commenting. I have just been to lazy to figure out all that html javascript crapola. This is sum what of a test I don’t know if I did it right, we shall see. I have not been myself lately. I have been overly sensitive. Not just physically but emotionally as well. It sucks. For some reason I had this strange flashback and it has set me off.
It was when I was 17.

Quick background: In high school I was never an all out slut but as I alluded to before I was and still am freaky. I love sex. I think it is genetic because everyone in my family I would classify as having an above average libido. I have a large family, we have a lot of fun together and are generally very open and honest with each other. That is how I know I come from a family of freaks. As they say the apple never falls far from the tree.

Anyways. I was 17 dating a very fun open minded guy. Anyways one night we were high, yes I smoked some ganja here and there as a kid. We started fucking like we usually did. He started sucking on my nipples. Yummy. Then I think I asked him to bite them or do it harder. He complied. I kept telling him harder, no even harder. There was a little bit of blood but I was nothing but turned on. Later he confessed he was really uncomfortable with that whole situation. I was disappointed because I had loved it. We continued to have some really great sex but broke up a year later. He is also the one that convinced me having sex on your period was wrong wrong wrong. It took my husband two years to undo that damage.

To make a long story short this flashback has caused me to feel really insecure in Daddy’s and my current status. I wrote him a little note, explaining how I want to be used by him. Once again he said something about not being able to be mean. I want to talk this out further with him but we just have not been in the communicating mood lately. But I am also scared of guilting him into doing something he is not comfortable with, I don’t want to feel that feeling I did after the whole biting nipple incident.

I feel Daddy keeps contradicting himself. He says he doesn’t want to be mean but then does ‘mean’ things. I have been rather tender down there lately but still wetter then wet the last few days. But still not enough motivation to initiate some good old fashioned love making. So last night Daddy starts getting frisky fast and next thing I know his cock is pushing into my not yet wet hole. Ouch I said I’m not wet yet and I have been tender. I don’t care, he says, just take it. He pushes inside me and I start gushing. Completely insensitive to my ‘needs’ and nothing turns me on more.

I think some of my melancholy comes from the fact two different couples that I am friends with just ended their long term relationships. It makes me want to try harder in my own relationship and Daddy just doesn’t understand all this emotion all the sudden.

This is turning into a way longer mushy post then I planned on. I love Daddy. He is everything I need in a partner. He is also a wonderful father. A great son to his parents and mine. A loving brother to his sisters. A devoted friend. People can’t help but love and respect Daddy, he is a genuinely good guy.

He started a new job recently. He likes it a lot and it fits him perfectly. I guess I feel insecure because I think some of the ladies he works with will see all the wonderful qualities I see and will want him for themselves. And you know how woman can be when they want something. So I am feeling even more commeted to making our relationship fun. Something he looks forward to coming home to. Relationships are something you have to work at, I don’t care what anyone says.

Right now Daddy and I don’t have the same frame of reference. I see these supposedly strong and wonderful relationships ending around me and I don’t want that to be us next.

I guess I should mention too I started a new job just last year. I mainly work with females. There is one guy in our whole department well two if you count the boss. But there are lots of other departments and now I am starting to meet new people and ‘socialize’ outside of my department more. I have received a bit of attention from a fair share of really nice gentlemen. I am always quick to share that I am happily married with two wonderful children. But that attention is there. I know it is there in Daddy’s case also.

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." ~Anais Nin

Ugh, enough.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

If only I had a clit on my tongue

Ok I just came from Amber’s blog. Which is wonderful and if you haven’t checked it out you should. Now even. Well after reading her current posting I can’t stop thinking about blowjobs. Like I wasn’t horny enough. So for the first time I am going to BEG for some feedback on this. Maybe I haven’t watched enough porn or something, I don’t know. Is it not typical to use your hands as an integral part of a blowjob? There is no way in hell I could make Daddy cum if I didn’t use my hands. If you don’t use your hands what do you do with them? I guess mine are like cock and ball magnets. One hand goes to Daddy’s balls to lovingly squeeze and caress them. The other follows the motion of my mouth. Varying the speed and amount of squeezage. Maybe I am not as skilled at blowjobs as I thought I was. But I have never heard any complaints. But then again how many guys are really going to complain when they are getting some oral action? I know with Daddy this is the way he likes, well loves, things to be. But I am still so curious; I want to go ask everyone who has a dick what they think. Wow I just am in total shock, 15 years of giving head and I'm not doing it right?

But I received a great compliment the other day. Well, I took it as a compliment. I gave a friend of mine the insert/advertisement that came with my smartballs and the post card from Freddy and Eddy (they hand write a thank you note on a post card with every order) and told her to go check it out. So she shows her husband and tells him I gave it to her. The first thing out of his mouth, ‘She is a freak, isn’t she?’ Hell yeah I am. Now I am going to go turn on some Rick James and dance around the house to ‘Super Freak.’ Because I am super freaky yeah.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

California Dreamin'

I want these. Not so much the collar. But the bracelets. We definitely have not gotten anywhere near the collaring point and I don’t know if we ever would, as incredibly sexy as it is. I have never dwelled upon it and I just don’t see Daddy going there. But those bracelets are sexy. Well it is all sexy. I love the thought of them going on and never coming off. I would have already ordered it I am just concerned about the size. My wrist is smidge under six inches. I think technically the 5 ¾ could fit. The next size up would be the 7 3/8 inch. I think it would be too large with a good try I think I could get that off. That would go completely against the point. I am going to have to search and see if I can find another manufacture with different sizes. Even though I said we were no where near the collaring phase (even in play) there is something drawing me to this style collar. I don’t so much like the braided leather as the way it closes. I am inspired to get crafty, but in the same breath I’m like what would be the point? I guess I could say I am just being prepared in case Daddy ever did show an interest. P.s. Daddy haven't seen each other since my last post so I haven't had a chance to discuss naything with him. But sheesh I am still craving that spanking!